Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
