I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
