Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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