Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
