I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
