Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
