He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
