Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
