My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
