his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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