We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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