don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
