The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
