I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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