Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
