So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
