I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
