I faked an abortion last night.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
