he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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