How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
