No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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