38 yer olds are good kisserssss
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
