I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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