If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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