I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
