Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
this hospital has no fireball
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
