If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
