You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You're a waste of cheezeits
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize