Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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