dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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