its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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