John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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