she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize