dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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