Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
