The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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