Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
