I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We need to get me chipped asap
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
