i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
