omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
