do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
