Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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