I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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