I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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