It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
