i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
