Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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