Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
