Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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