Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize