so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize