Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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