2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
