About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
