I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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