call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
