Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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