she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
