I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
