By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
