If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
